


(shit) maybe i miss you

by localopa



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Actor AU, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, BBC Radio 1, Fights, Fluff, Homophobic Slurs, M/M, buckle up lads, i forgot to add this whoops, idk just gotta fight the man, im coining this, im mean to martyn in this one again, the colorado fic, the manager is a dick, this entire fic is a wild ride
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-29
Updated: 2018-05-29
Packaged: 2019-05-13 11:08:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14747681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/localopa/pseuds/localopa
Summary: dan’s an actor and phil’s a bbc radio 1 presenter. a film in colorado fucks things up.





	(shit) maybe i miss you

**Author's Note:**

> this fic is the reason why i have grey hairs. this is my phandom reverse bang, which can also be called jesse & oliver do things together part 2: electric boogaloo. thank u to jesse for arting, sierra for betaing, rachel for straighting, and wes taylor for existing. title is from miss you by louis tomlinson. it was originally a lyric from the spongebob musical but jesse yelled at me. enjoy. 
> 
> xx oliver

his life hit its lowest point in 2012, not too long after a fight between him and phil, and directly after he sent in his letter of resignation to his uni.

 

the fight had been about youtube, and what they wanted for themselves. dan was so unsure of himself, still getting over his body insecurities and anxieties, when phil just broke. he had even started yelling, which was something very unlike him.

 

it was explosive, loud, something that dan now equates to the fireworks on the fourth of july. days of silence that followed where not a single noise came from the flat. on day 5 of this, the neighbors called the police to make sure the two hadn't murdered each other.

 

dan would just lay on the floor, with his eyes stuck on the ceiling. his camera became long forgotten on his tripod. phil would come in and ask him what was wrong, never getting an answer. he’d stay there until day became night, coaxing dan into a sitting position, then standing to help him into bed. no words would be exchanged, dan would keep a grip on phil’s wrist to make him stay. they’d fall asleep with dan tucked into phil’s neck, and phil lying awake wondering what went wrong. 

 

one night, he got his answer.

 

“i can't do it,” dan’s voice was barely above a whisper, almost lost in the pure silence in the room.

 

“what do you mean?”

 

“i can’t film, i can’t go to classes, i can't do anything,” his voice is wavering now, he sounds as if he’s near tears. “i haven’t posted in months. all the money that’s been coming in is from you. i’m not holding anything up. i’m a failure.”

 

phil pulls dan closer to him, feeling his body shake as he finally lets himself cry,  _ for once, _ phil thinks. “you’re not a failure, dan.” he reassures the crumbling boy.

 

“yes i am!” his body wracks with a sob, fingers digging into his skin. “i can’t make a fucking video to save my life!”

 

“that doesn’t mean you’re a failure.” he says quietly.

 

dan shakes his head against his neck. “i can’t do it anymore.”

 

this makes his heart stop. “do what?”

 

“youtube. i can't do it. it’s too much pressure.”

 

nothing comes out of phil’s mouth, he expected this. he almost knew that this is where it was going. deep down, he’s known how unhappy dan has been, how infrequently he’s uploaded, how the passion he used to have dwindled into nothing but a faint memory. he just never expected it to come up.

 

all he can do is hold dan as he sobs against, rub his back, tell him promises he doesn’t know he can keep until they both fall asleep.

 

(phil stayed doing youtube, the two of them needing a source of income to support their flat in london. dan told him he wanted to pursue acting, something he’s been wanting to do for years. he loves his best friend, and he wants him happy again. he encourages dan to go to every audition he can find. phil was there to hold him when he came back crying, when he got callbacks, and eventually when he lands the role. 

 

not long after, phil gets offered a job at bbc. immediately, he accepts the position, and subsequently, also leaves youtube. their audience, while not thrilled, are happy for them, branching out and doing things they love. 

 

they’re happy, and that’s all that matters.)

 

-

 

life hits its lowest point again, for phil this time, eight years later and a thick envelope with dan’s name on it arrives at their doorstep. 

 

they’re used to these kind of packages. thick envelopes are their  _ thing _ now that dan’s an actual successful actor. they’re signs of him landing a role, signs that leaving youtube wasn’t a waste. they love getting these thick packages in the mail.

 

what phil doesn’t like is what’s inside this one.

 

it’s incredibly thick, thicker than they’ve ever been. he doesn’t remember dan telling him about any auditions he’s had. as far as he knew, dan was taking a break from auditioning and productions after his last film. 

 

phil opens it, like he’s done for every other script, and there’s a note with the script. he furrowed his eyebrows, this is new. the note is from his manager, who phil is not quite fond of. said manager has tried to get dan to move out of their home for years now, saying it makes him look “gay.” as many times as he’s tried to get him out, dan’s always stayed, twice over now, and they’ve been talking about house hunting soon.

 

they’re not together. they just can’t imagine  _ not  _ living together. it’s different. 

 

_ dan, _

 

_ i know you said you didn’t want to do anymore films. however, i highly recommend you read this over. say the word and the role is yours. if not, i’ll let them know. touch base soon. _

 

_ richard _

 

phil hates richard, he’s hated him since they’ve first met years ago. he seemed put off by the fact they lived together but weren’t  _ together, _ making it his mission to set dan up with every girl he could get his hands on. just to prove that dan’s not gay, that he’s not with his best friend.

 

(dan would come home after every date, a new complaint falling from his lips about how it was the  _ worst yet.  _ he tells him that he’s fine with being single, he’s fine with living with his best friend, he doesn’t care if people think they’re together. he’s just, not interested in dating anyone. but richard never got that, and continued forward with setting him up with women. 

 

one night, dan confessed to phil that he’s actually queer, pretty queer. he never really put a label on his sexuality, but he felt queer was the best explanation. when asked why he’s never said anything, dan shrugged his shoulders and said it didn’t matter.

 

_ “even if i tell richard, he’s still going to set me up with girls. it’s not going to change a thing if i say i want to date a boy.” _

 

this should’ve been a warning sign when they met, but phil couldn’t bring himself to veto richard when it made dan happy.

 

you make sacrifices for the people you love, phil justifies to himself. if it means that his best friend is with some homophobic manager, then he’ll make the sacrifice.)

 

why would his manager blatantly do the opposite of what dan’s asked him to do?

 

“dan?” phil calls out, letting the parcel drop to his side. “there’s something from richard.”

 

he hears the thumps of two big feet on their wood floor come closer and when he looks up again, dan is there. dan looks concerned, and he doesn’t blame him. one doesn’t get something from their manager and expect that it’s a bonus check.

 

(phil wishes he fired him sooner.)

 

dan eventually looks down at what’s in phil’s hands. he takes it from him, going through it just as he had moments ago. “oh,” is what falls from his lips “i told him not to send me anything.”

 

“i know.”  _ but he’s never done what he’s told, does he? _ phil cleared his throat. “it’s a movie.”

 

“yeah.”

 

“a thick script.”

 

“incredibly.”

 

“which means more time apart.”

 

the worst part about your best friend being a somewhat successful actor is that there are times that all you can share are phone calls and texts, emails and smoke signals. it just never seems to be  _ enough.  _ phil hates when dan’s away, and is noticeably off just a hair in his radio shows. dan doesn’t fair much better. every night, no matter the time, they fall asleep on skype together, or on a phone call, because dan can’t go more than 24 hours without hearing or seeing phil.

 

(phil never admits but he feels the same way.)

 

“are you going to do it?”

 

the question hangs in the air, phil can see that dan wants to say no. he  _ promised _ , he wants to take a break. he can also see the conflict that dan is in. from what little he’s read, he’s probably already fallen in love with the role. dan gets invested in every single role, every word, cue, and story, which makes him sought out more than other actors. 

 

dan opens his mouth, closes it again. the yes that comes out is hesitant, almost like dan doesn’t want him to go ahead and call richard. phil does it anyway, because he knows dan better than he knows himself.

 

and this is where the fall begins.

 

-

 

the film surrounds a young adult male named jacob, who lives in a small town in colorado. jacob is freshly engaged to a girl he doesn’t even like, a nice white girl stereotypically named abigail. surprise, jacob is secretly a homosexual who falls in love with the new boy in town, kevin. 

 

the script describes kevin as “the dark chocolate jacob needs in this city of vanilla,” which tickled dan to no end. the story follows as kevin and jacob become closer, a little too close perhaps. abigail ends up not being that bad, helping jacob be with his love, and “hershey kiss kevin.”

 

those are the script’s words, not his.

 

the film is being dubbed the modern  _ brokeback mountain _ , even though this one ends in happiness and not two cowboys yelling at each other about how gay they are. it’s working under the title  _ colorado hills _ , which is a horrible movie title. he doesn’t know how they’ll fix this mess of a title before they release it. 

 

it’s surprising that richard would even send dan a script that’s so blatantly not straight. as far as they both know, he’s homophobic and doesn’t even like the idea of  _ phil _ and him living together. 

 

phil figures it out when three days after dan agrees, a one way ticket to denver, colorado, comes in the mail.

 

richard chose the film because dan would be gone for a year. even after he specifically said he wanted to take a break.

 

he’s so fucking firing him.

 

-

 

there’s a sense of deja vu when he gets a skype notification that dan is calling. phil’s thrown back to being 22, anxiously awaiting for his new found friend to call him. every call ending with dan falling asleep, or almost asleep. it makes phil’s chest hurt, his best friend looked so small and young, nothing like how he is now. 

 

secretly, he takes screencaps of dan sleep before he ends the calls, keeping them in a folder. on the rare chance they aren’t able to call the other, phil likes to look through the photos. it makes him miss dan more, wishing that he could go back and not have dan go off to colorado. 

 

it’s month four of filming, he’s renamed the file of sleepy dan photos to “nudes” so martyn won’t look at them, and the ache in his chest is telling him he’s missing dan more than he's let on. 

 

the ache in his chest would also be from the heart attack waiting to happen with the project they put him on at work. how do they expect him to plan a month’s worth of radio shows in a week  _ and _ wallow around in his own self pity of missing dan? there’s only so much a man can take.

 

he asked for time off so he could possibly fly out to see dan, and apparently he’s in charge of making the shows for his  _ phil-in,  _ ha ha  _ ha _ . half of his show is basing it off current events in pop culture.

 

It’s just fair to assume that kanye is going to tweet about trump and trump will tweet back “very cool,” at this point.

 

phil is lost in his train of thought when skype starts making loud noises and he realizes dan is calling. of course he is going to drop everything to talk to dan. he misses his best friend. 

 

dan looks tired but excited to see phil, he’s not wearing a shirt today, which is fine. he can see that dan’s actually been working out, something he despises unless he’s forced to do it for a role. he’s not ripped, like he’ll ever actually get there, but his tummy has some definition to it now. his mouth is moving a mile a minute but phil can’t focus on the sounds coming out. instead, his eyes drift down to where there should be a shirt, admiring over what dan has accomplished.

 

“hey!” phil jumps out of his thoughts, looking back up to dan’s face. “my eyes are up here.”

 

“sorry,” he looked down meekly. “just got lost in my thoughts.”

 

“when have you not?” dan laughs. “is there something wrong?”

 

there’s so many things that are wrong with phil right now. with his workload, missing dan, and worrying about richard, he doesn’t know where to begin. 

 

“it’s about richard…”

 

-

 

the night ends abruptly, dan slams his laptop close. not before warning phil to not contact him. 

 

he asked what was wrong, he didn’t see a point in hiding it. if he did the right thing, then why does he feel so shitty?

 

-

 

he’s not fired, per say. sure, he has to take all his stuff home in a box, he makes his rounds of goodbyes, and turns in his badge, but technically, he’s not fired. 

 

he’s on  _ indefinite leave _ , is what his boss tells him. his work as of late has been too depressing, and though it’s trendy with today’s youth, his radio show is supposed to be anything but depressing. the leave is supposed to be time for phil to reflect and get out of his depression, and if, not when, his mind notes, he ever gets out of his funk, he’s welcomed back.

 

this, he doubts. he’s seen his replacement, a man ten years his junior and way more attractive than him, for the internet takeover. his name is chad, because of course it is, semi famous on instagram and has a growing youtube audience. he’s no logan paul, thank fuck, and he guesses he’ll do an okay job.

 

his pay will run through the end of the year, because the bbc is rich enough to do so. he’s under the impression that if he’s not back by the end of the year, he’s really terminated. 

 

just another thing for dan to be mad at him for. 

 

it’s been a month since they last talked, one where they had fought. in between, phil will text him just to let him know he’s alive. the only proof that dan is alive as well is the read receipts on their texts. he doesn’t say anything about being fired, he’s sure that after dan watches this week’s radio show, he’ll see that he’s not there and become suspicious. 

 

except. he doesn’t.

 

phil waits a full 24 hours after the show aired, staring at his phone and waiting for a text or a phone call from dan. he’s curled in a ball on his couch, his phone on the coffee table, glasses falling down his nose. he even falls asleep at one point, the only thing on his phone upon waking up is a text from martyn in their family’s group chat. 

 

nothing from dan. nothing but a read receipt saying he saw his message yesterday at 23:45. 

 

he hasn’t talked to his best friend in a month, he lost his only distraction to a good looking 21 year old, and he’s in love with dan howell. who’s across the world filming in colorado, macking up on another man, not giving a single solitary  _ fuck _ about what’s going on with phil.

 

cornelia takes it upon herself to check up on phil, coming in once perday to get phil off the couch, food in his stomach, and shower away yesterday’s filth and sadness. she cleans up the flat as well, though phil doesn’t venture much past the living room anymore. tries to get him out of the house, but phil just stares off into space. 

 

his eyes look almost lifeless. there’s nothing behind his eyes anymore. they used to sparkle, bright blue and every color dan loved. now they’re cloudy, ugly, kind of like how phil feels now.

 

two months after dan stops talking to him, the first shipment of alcohol from tesco comes in. beer bottles litter the floor now, the tv is netflix asking if he’s still there, and for the first time in months, a chuckle escapes from phil’s lips. is he still there? yeah. does he want to be? no. 

 

he’s surprised he’s not dead.

 

at some point, cornelia leaves on holiday with his brother, telling him that someone else will come in to check on him. she’s gone for two weeks, the “replacement” never shows, and phil lives off the alcohol he gets delivered to his house. 

 

he’s not dead, but he might as well be. 

 

-

 

Dan is coming back from set, on his way to a meeting with richard about some other acting jobs, when he gets a message from cornelia. 

 

_ you need to come home. x C _

 

his eyebrows furrowed. he’s not due back home for another 5 months. there’s no way he’d be able to come home now. they’ve gotten so far in filming, he’s heard they’re ahead of schedule. he might even get to be home in 3 months instead of 5. 

 

_ i can’t. you know i’m on location for the film. D _

 

_ yeah, and phil’s in your flat killing himself. pretty sure the life of your best mate is more important than a stupid film. x C _

 

what? yeah, he knows phil has been lonely without him, but he has his job to keep him distracted. that’s what he’s been told, at least. he’s been too busy to keep up with the radio show, doesn’t even have time to see the fans’ reactions, but it can’t be shit. 

 

right?

 

_ stupid film pays the bills. is this just your way of getting me to make up with phil? i’ll talk to him when i’m ready. D _

 

so he’s still mad about the fight 3 months later, and dan’s never claimed to not be a petty ass bitch. 

 

his phone starts ringing instead of a text back. 

 

“you’re a fucking idiot, do you know that? phil hasn’t left the flat in weeks and you think i’m just trying to get you guys to make up?  _ du skitare! _ ” there’s more grumbling on the other end, probably more swedish swears that are meant for him.

 

“phil has a job, corny. i wouldn’t put it past him to get you to do this for him,” dan sighs, putting the phone on speaker and started reorganizing his room. if he’s going to get chewed out, he might as well do something. 

 

“ _ mösstock!  _ you really don’t give a shit about your friend?! have you even watched the show? he’s gone, dan. he got replaced with someone younger.”

 

dan stops folding his shirt, looking over to the phone. “he what?”

 

cornelia sighed. “he didn’t get fired, they put him on leave. he’s getting paid through the end of the year. technically, he still works there, but they said he was too depressed to be doing the show. he doesn’t think he’s going back, the feedback he’s seen so far with the new guy is that they like him better,” she pauses, a lot longer than what was comfortable. “it only made him more depressed, dan. i was going over there to make sure he eats and takes a shower. we left on holiday and i came back to him passed out on the couch with beer bottles all over the floor.”

 

she stops, he can hear her getting choked up on the other end. tears start rolling down his face as well, he takes the phone off of speaker and puts it to his ear. “is he okay?” his voice cracks, everything is uncomfortable. “i probably have no right to be asking, but is he okay?”

 

“i guess, i called martyn and now he’s at our place. he’s sleeping in our room, martyn left as soon as he got settled. i don’t know where he is, he won’t answer me. you need to come home, dan. i don’t care about the filming, phil needs you back.”

 

dan doesn't say anything for a while, stares off into the distance mulling over everything he’s just been told. how could have phil not told him about the bbc? or how they replaced him with someone younger? why didn’t he call dan to just talk? he hasn’t had a moment to breathe since the last time he talked to him, but he’d shove everything out of the way just to get five minutes with his best friend. 

 

“dan?” cornelia’s voice is soft through the phone, bringing him out of his own mind. 

 

“i-i don’t know, okay? filming is so different to anything any of you guys have ever done, i just can’t pack up and leave on a whim. i-” he sighs, wiping his eyes free of tears, “i can see what i can do, but i can’t promise anything.”

 

dan hears the end call noise from his phone, pulling it away to see cornelia’s really hung up on him. his grip on his phone slips, falling to the floor as his own body folds underneath itself. he wants to go home, but he can’t just drop everything. this is his job, the acting industry doesn’t give a shit about personal lives.

 

phil  _ needs _ him, he’s so broken without him there. and there’s nothing dan can do, not without permission to leave. he’s useless, he’s such a useless best friend. 

 

if he falls asleep crying on the floor of his hotel room, well, nobody can prove it. 

 

-

 

the door opens moments after she hangs up the phone, her head whipping around to see her boyfriend try to sneak back into their home. 

 

“you do know that because you’re over six feet tall it’s incredibly hard for you to sneak in, right?” cornelia rolled her eyes, pocketing her phone. “would a certain lester like to explain why he is just now joining the class?”

 

martyn visibly swallowed, looking down immediately to the ground. “does it help that i brought dinner?”

 

“ _ does it help that i brought dinner?!  _ that’s what you have to say to me after you left me to take care of your little brother?!” her voice is hushed but still cutting, the look she is sending martyn is lethal. “ _ gå och dra något gammalt över dig!  _ your brother hasn’t eaten in over  _ two weeks _ , he’s drank himself to the devil’s door, and you leave for hours! i know i’m pretty close to being in this family, but for fuck’s sake, martyn, i don’t need two men being fucking idiots.”

 

“please don’t insult me in swedish while we fight, we’ve been over this.”

 

cornelia’s eyes widen, holding up her hands. “oh, my bad. i’m sorry that my native tongue is more important than your  _ flesh and blood _ .”

 

martyn looks guilty, fucking _good_. this piece of shit human turned his back on his brother, something _he’s never done_ _before._ he’s always been there for his brother, no matter what. even when he was an annoying kid and wouldn’t _shut the fuck up and let me sleep, phil_ , he still was there for him.

 

but this is something martyn’s never seen. every rock bottom either of them hit never included binge drinking. he’s scared, he nearly got onto a train to go to their parents’ home. 

 

“i’ve never seen him like this, okay? even when he was that moody teenager, he’s never  _ been like this. _ i don’t know what to do,” tears start to form, martyn looks up to the ceiling to try and stop them. “i just want him back, you know? i want the phil back from before dan left for this film.”

 

cornelia walks across the room, pulling him down to her height so she can hug him properly. this is when he starts fully crying, sobbing into her shoulder and squeezing her like his life depended on it.

 

dan leaving for colorado was the worst thing to happen to them. he’s doing what he loves, but the life he left behind is suffering.

 

“it’s going to be okay,” cornelia whispers, rubbing martyn’s back. “it’s going to be okay.”

 

she doesn’t even believe her own words. 

 

-

 

it’s probably been hours since dan first laid down on his hotel room bed, overthinking everything. his mind hyperfixes on  _ phil needs you back _ , the words replay over and over again. It becomes almost torturous, the thoughts bouncing around his mind. he’s trapped, there’s no where he can run or hide without knowing he’s fucked up and phil is not okay.

 

phil is not okay. 

 

phil is not okay. 

 

_ phil is not okay. _

 

_ phil needs you back. _

 

dan needs to go back. 

 

his body likes this idea, it seems, immediately jumping into action of packing all of his things haphazardly into his luggage and carry on. he thinks he’s crying, loudly, throwing shit everywhere and he’s shouting at himself and he’s in a goddamn hotel, almost having a mental breakdown. 

 

he’s making such a ruckus that he never noticed richard slipping into the room.

 

“dan, what are you doing? why is half your room in a suitcase?”

 

dan stops, frozen in place with a balled up shirt in his hand. “i’m going home.” he sounds shaky, unstable. “i need to go home.”

 

richard shakes his head, looking at dan like he’s grown an extra limb. “no, you’re not. you’re signed to a contract, remember? you can’t leave until filming is over.”

 

“what’s the worst thing that could happen if i breach the contract, richard?” he cries harder, staccato breaths breaking up his words.

 

“you’d probably get black balled.”

 

black balled. the apoptosis to one’s career. well, not entirely, but between being black balled and actual death, dan would choose the latter. 

 

that way, he doesn’t have to suffer. 

 

that still doesn’t stop dan from continuing to pack.

 

“what the fuck are you doing, dan?” richard comes over and shoves dan away from the suitcase. “stop putting this shit away and get ahold of yourself. you’re staying here,  _ this _ ,” he gestures around the room, “is your home right now, whether you like it or not.”

 

“phil isn’t here!” dan pushes richard away from him. “my home has phil and he isn’t h-“

 

“who gives a flying fuck about phil?! all that faggot ass mother fucker has done is hold you back, dan!”

 

this made dan freeze. he’s always been suspicious about whether richard hated his best friend or not. it started with him always being cold towards phil, choosing projects that were out of the country, slowly getting longer and longer. he’s barred phil from even coming to visit, claiming that dan falls out of character easier if he does. 

 

that’s why dan wanted a hiatus. he’s tired of only seeing phil through a shitty skype camera. 

 

really, it shouldn’t surprise him that richard johnson is a homophobic shitbag. except, it does. 

 

“excuse me?” dan’s somehow stopped crying in the midst of all of this, wiping away the sticky tears with the back of his hand. “what did you just say?”

 

richard narrows his eyes. “what, can your faggot twink ass not hear? maybe i should say it slower,” he clears his throat obnoxiously. “phil is a dick sucking, poofer fag who has done nothing but hold you back,” he claps with every word to emphasize his point.

 

“get out,” dan points to the door, his breath still shaky.

 

this apparently is hilarious, richard bends over in laughter. “what did you say to me, bitch? did you just tell me to get out?” 

 

dan nods, still firmly pointing to the door. 

 

“that’s cute, you think you have control over your life,” he sighs, standing up straight. “you’re just a puppet, dear daniel. you have to do whatever i say so i can get your scat eating, knob jockey ass any roles in this business. do you think you’d actually be successful if it weren’t for me?” he starts walking towards dan, shaking his head. “you live in the best part of london, you have everything you’ve ever wanted. all because i got you those acting gigs. you and phil both know you couldn’t live off his nice BBC salary, not with your expensive taste.”

 

richard gives him a once over, chuckling to himself. “you are both lucky that i even saved your sorry fairy ass. what manager doesn’t want a uni educated cli-“

 

he doesn’t finish the sentence, dan backhanding the man makes the words fall right out of his mouth. 

 

“i said, get out.”

 

dan’s breathing is hard and still shaky, his fists are clenched to the side. his jaw is clenched in anger and frustration. he’s had enough. he’s tired of being the punching bag. 

 

“you want to try that again, fag?”

 

there’s another slap to the face, dan is seething as he stares at the man in front of him.

 

“get the fuck out of my hotel room,” dan’s voice is low, near a grumble. “you’re a sack of shit, i should’ve never hired you.”

 

much to his dismay, richard doesn’t move. he just laughs, raising his head as he rubs his jaw. “but you did, daniel. what’re you going to do now? fire me? breach not only the contract with the film, but with me?” he leans in, lips next to dan’s ear. “is it worth being blackballed for this, dan?”

 

dan lets out a slow breath, pushing richard out of his space. “i’d rather choke on some black balls than to spend another minute with you. get the fuck out.”

 

richard looks at him in shock, this isn’t the same insecure dan that he’s been able to push around for years. dan can’t believe he fired his manager either, but you don’t fuck with dan and phil. they’ll fuck you right back.

 

what? too gay?

 

“maybe i didn’t make myself clear enough. my cock loving, dick sucking, faggot twink ass wants you out of my hotel room before i call security,” he points to the door, staring down his former manager until he leaves the room.

 

it takes a while, but finally richard leaves. a weight feels like it’s been lifted off his chest, he feels free. the actual weight of the situation, firing his manager and possibly never working in the business ever again, will hit him later. 

 

right now, he’s got a plane to catch. and things to explain to the film’s director while on said plane.

 

-

 

life’s “back to normal,” so to speak, for phil. if you ignore the raging depression boner he’s sporting and the fact that he doesn’t ever venture to dan’s side of their home, life’s pretty fucking peachy.

 

his complete and total breakdown in front of his brother and his brother’s not-wife didn’t even get him to bounce back. cornelia was in charge of making sure phil was fed, martyn in charge of “having bro time to fill be void of dan,” as cornelia puts it. he’s very barely there most of the time, he at least tries with his brother, but it’s not much of anything. 

 

they decided to not keep phil in their flat, but in his own, and kind of just move in until dan comes back. 

 

except we don’t call him dan, only referred to by pronouns and hushed whispers between the couple. dan is a filthy word in the house now. 

 

they’ve built a routine for phil, to give him some sense of normalcy. it’s his way of coping with everything, no job, no best friend, no life, really. he’s a shell of a man he was months ago, and there’s nothing he can do to fix it. 

 

(except making up with dan. telling dan he’s in love with him. dan being  _ home _ .

 

all of this doesn’t seem possible.

 

until it does.)

 

-

 

cornelia has been acting strange since breakfast this morning. she’s been glued to her phone, nearly burns the pancakes, and now has left with martyn, leaving phil alone.

 

something they haven’t done in quite a while. 

 

it’s not like they don’t  _ trust _ him alone. okay, they don’t trust him alone. after what’s happened over the past couple months, he doesn’t blame them. he hasn’t been truly alone since they left on holiday, which sucks, but, again. he doesn’t blame them.

 

he got fucking wasted on sadness and alcohol.

 

since “living” with his brother and partner, phil’s been forced to try and do actual work. and especially since he’s (technically not but  _ still _ ) unemployed, there’s not much that he can actually  _ do.  _ his job was scripting, performing once a week, going out and being around people, bouncing ideas off of them. it’s not something easily replicable.

 

so he writes scripts for youtube. kind of.

 

when they both left the platform, they didn’t cut off any friendships that they had made from it. some of them had fallen off over the years, because they really didn’t want to be on camera a lot. however, a few true friends, aka just louise, pj, and tom, surprisingly, stuck around, inviting them out on adventures. phil’s gotten into contact with the latter two, since they deal with more ~story filled~ videos, and he’s been scripting things for them since. 

 

it’s a good way to do something in his free time, he only gets money if his scripts are picked up. yet, phil loves it. he gets to be creative in a way that the BBC never let him. 

 

it’s a distraction. it’s what he needs. 

 

he’s in the middle of one he’d been commissioned for when the door opened to his flat. the passage of time is a weird one, and phil guesses that he's been more enthralled with this piece than he thought. in his defense, it’s a video about dogs and he was promised one on one time with said dogs if they picked his script up. so, can we really blame him?

 

he doesn’t look up when he hears, what he assumes, is his pseudo roommates, because, um. dogs. they stop a few feet away from the door and phil can feel a shouting coming. 

 

“can whatever you’re going to yell at me for wait, like, maybe an hour? i need to get this script done by the end of the week,” his eyes are still trained on the document, typing away faster.

 

“if we wait an hour, then i’ll be asleep because i am so jet lagged right now i nearly fell on my face walking up the stairs.”

 

phil freezes, squeezing his eyes shut and counting to ten. surely, this is a hallucination. cornelia has slipped him some kind of lsd and that’s why her voice sounds like dan. he hasn’t flown in from colorado and he’s not in his flat right now.

 

“uh, i did just fly in from colorado? i  _ highly _ doubt either of them know where to get drugs.”

 

(ba dum tiss.)

 

shit. he said that out loud.

 

“yeah, yeah you did, phil. could you do me a favor and look at me? please?” his voice cracks on the last word, halfway to exhaustion and cry city. “i haven't slept in since i got up for filming today - yesterday? i don’t know but i just spent over £1500 on a plane ticket to get here so, please. can you just look at me?”

 

phil opens his eyes, which is a start, but he doesn’t look away from his laptop. he continues to type away, as if dan isn’t there and it’s been like it has been for the past whatever passage of time it’s been. he’s serious about the script needing to get done. it’s his job.

 

also dogs. but mostly so he can pay rent.

 

“i’m going to talk and you’re going to listen whether you like it or not, phil,” dan huffs. “i just left colorado. isn’t that weird? shouldn’t your phil lester brain be questioning why, me, daniel howell, current lead in a movie that’s filming in colorado, you know,  _ in fucking america,  _ is now standing in our living room of our flat? when we both know my contract isn’t up for another three months at least?”

 

yes, phil realizes the kind of situation he’s in. dan flew here from the states. he didn’t have to, he doesn’t know the reasoning behind it, and, frankly, at this point, he could care less about the reason. phil isn’t the one who fucked off to no man’s land when he’s supposed to be taking a break, he’s not the one who left his best friend behind. 

 

he’s not the one who chose richard and money over his best friend. 

 

“ _ why, yes, dan. why  _ **_are_ ** _ you in our home?” _ dan mocked phil’s voice, using his hand like a puppet. “great question! i abandoned my movie and my manager because i got a text saying that you’re killing yourself with whatever habits you picked up and i needed to come home. so here i am! home! trying to act like everything is fucking peachy when it’s barely  _ tangeriney  _ and-“

 

“that doesn’t even make sense.”

 

“shut the fuck up! i’m not done! and you wouldn’t even look up to see who it was before you go off on how you need to get a script done. then you straight up refuse to even spare a glance at me, instead incessantly typing away on your laptop and i’m just standing here like a fucking idiot,” dan pants once he’s done, his shoulders raising and lowering with his breathing.

 

the silence only lasts so long. “do you have any idea what i’ve had to deal with? not only did i just fire my manager, he’s also a homophobic piece of shit out of satan’s ass and nobody’s told me this until now! why have we been giving him our money if he’s so against the gays!?” dan raises his arms, waiting for answer. 

 

phil stops typing. “ _ your _ money.”

 

his arms lower. “what?”

 

“you’re the one who ultimately decided to hire him, you’ve been using your own money to pay him. i had no say in whether or not he was chosen, dan. that’s all you.”

 

“our money’s in a fucking joint account, so don’t get pedantic with me,” dan snaps, getting more and more enraged. “the  _ point _ , asshole, is that fight we had? the one where you told me all the things wrong with that dick and all i did was yell at you for it? you were right.”

 

this makes phil look up. his eyes have travelled to across the room, but at this point dan’ll take anything. from the side he can see, he looks alarmed. 

 

“he came into my room while i was blinding throwing things into my suitcase. said a lot of, um, not kind words about you, and then me. tried to stop me from coming out. said that i’d,” his voice cracks again, “i’d get blackballed from hollywood if i left the film.”

 

“what did you say back?”

 

dan let out a small laugh. “i told him i’d rather choke on black balls.”

 

phil barks out a laugh, quickly covering his mouth. finally,  _ finally,  _ he looks over at dan, who’s honestly a wreck at this point. there’s dark bags under his eyes, his pale skin somehow more pale than it usually is. he’s not thin, but he’s thinn _ er  _ than when he left, whether that’s a side effect from filming or whatever stress has been thrown his way. tears are starting to well up now that he’s looked at him, and phil can’t take it anymore. 

 

“i’m sorry, okay? it was probably stupid of me to just fly back home on a whim but then cornelia called and said you almost  _ died  _ and swore at me in swedish and life hasn’t been the same without you and i don’t know why i said what i said, i just n-“

 

dan’s words are cut off by phil getting off the couch and pulling him into a hug. this is where the former finally lets everything he’s been holding in go, crying into phil’s shoulder and getting out half coherent explanations. he’s clinging to the other, despite being taller, nails digging into the back of phil’s jumper. 

 

it takes a while before the tears stop, and by then, they’re on the couch with dan tucked into phil’s chest. it’s almost deja vu of when everything first came crashing down, the first rock bottom. this is better, a lot higher than the first downfall, but still worse in its own respects. dan’s breathing is choppy and short, taking in air in shudders as his body tries to calm back down. 

 

phil’s there the whole time, rubbing his back and telling him  _ it’s okay, i’m here. it’s okay.  _ over and over against in a hushed tone. eventually, dan lifts his head from his chest and goes to say something, but he stops him before he can get a sound out. 

 

“get some rest, we’ll talk when you wake up.”

 

dan doesn’t put up much of a fight, nodding before settling back into phil’s chest. his ear is right next to his rib cage, the soothing rhythm of his heart beating lulling him into slumber.

 

the sight is adorable, even if you take in the situation. nothing stops phil from leaning in to press a kiss to the top of the other’s head, smiling into his hair. 

 

“i love you,” he whispers. “you’re safe now.”

 

-

 

they talk. they hash things out, apologize in the right places, think about how they can better this in the future. 

 

they also  _ talk _ . apparently, dan had heard what phil had said, and during this conversation, confronted him about it. cornered, and really, since they’re laying everything out on the table, he tells the truth. he doesn’t see the point in lying, especially when dan made a “no lying” rule. 

 

this confession earns him dan pulling him in for a kiss, which turns into a proper snogging session on the couch, only to be caught by his brother once he got a single hand down the front of dan’s joggers.

 

martyn and cornelia leave very soon after this. 

 

surprisingly, dan isn’t blackballed. back on the plane ride home, he had emailed the director, explaining the situation, telling him what’s happening (and a few other details that completely sober and not sleep deprived dan would  _ never _ tell a person who’s his boss. he could live without the director knowing his sex dreams) and asking for permission to do so. the director, who really had no choice but to honor his decision because, what’s he going to do? turn the plane around?

 

he’s not jesus. 

 

the cast and crew get a week off from filming, which is great since tensions started running high anyways. the director admitted that he probably shouldn’t have done a year straight, or at least put more breaks in than he did. but life goes on, c’est la vie, and nobody dies. that’s the important part.

 

except the career of one richard splinter. 

 

included in the email was a (lengthy) brief explanation of what transpired in his room, which director man sent off to his agency. which got him fired. and blacklisted.

 

who’s laughing now, dick splinter?

 

in the end, filming goes well. the name is still colorado hills, which is still stupid. it’s received very well, and dan uses this as a platform to start being more open about his own sexuality. never confirming or denying, just vague, open ended answers. like it should be.

 

the bbc offers phil his position back, which he respectfully declines. his newfound passion from scripting has become his source of revenue now, and he doesn’t want to take any more time away from it than dan does on a daily basis. 

 

his new goal is to write a feature film, but he can stick to youtube for now.

 

he’s finishing a script for an american filmmaker right now, putting the last few details in before he reads it over and (hopefully) sends it off to the potential buyer. dan has his feet up against his thigh, kneading the muscle while he watches whatever he put on tv. he’s promised that he’s taking at least a year off from filming once the promo for colorado hills is done. this is celebrated with dan surprising him with a holiday to a location he hasn’t disclosed still, leaving the day of his final interview. 

 

everything’s falling into place. it’s near perfect, and despite the hardships, phil wouldn’t have it any other way.

 

one thing’s for sure. once you hit rock bottom, there’s nowhere to go but up. (and fuck richard.)

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on tumblr @astronomerhxwell


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